moisture from the eyes

On the see-saw of emotions with STRESS being on one side and BALANCE being on the other, I've experienced every single feeling there is today.
Where in my life's journey did I learn how to bottle things up that are emotionally hard or difficult? Is it a defense mechanism? Did I learn to do this as a coping device from a small child? Where ever I learned, I did so quite well. If I was being graded, I'm sure I'd rack up an A+.... with bonus points.
In my life lately there are a lot of things to be worried about. There are a lot of things I am responsible for. And there are a lot of things that I didn't ask for. But who am I to think badly of these things? I know in this world there are a lot of people who have it so much worse than I do. So, how is it okay for me to complain about anything? I have a running conversation going on with God and from time to time, my Nana. Some might call this praying, but mostly I just call it rambling in my head. Thoughts really.
There are people all around me that care about me. I get that. There are people in my life that are worried about me. I get that too.
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ok... I've sat and stared at this page for a long time and this is what's going on in my brain......
Does it make me a weak person to break down and cry for 30 minutes? Will people see me as 'the girl that can't handle stress' if I cry? What if I actually voice that I hate whats going on and I hate having to be the strong one? What kind of person does that make me? Am I a bad daughter? Does it make me a complete and utter nut job to tell you that as I type this I have tears streaming down my face? Should I worry that I won't stop? I want to be as strong as possible for my family. Specifically for my Mom and Dad. If they see me like this, I am certain I won't be seen as strong to them. It's really a strange belief I have rooting around in my head. I know it doesn't make complete sense. I don't want to have to ask for help. I have the world really, so why should I even THINK that it's okay to ask for anything? There are a million other people with worries greater than mine. I know that eventually this will pass. And I know that I will make it through this a stronger person. I want my mother well. I want my dad to jovial again.
I want to be the one people want to make sure they sit next to at dinner because I'm the funny one. I don't feel that funny lately and I hate that. I feel that the really cool part of me is being smothered and can't find it's way up for air.
You know what I wish? I wish I had a switch... well several switches actually. One to turn off and on for sleeping purposes. And one to turn off and on for stress release. Kind of like a valve... when you flipped the switch you'd hear a like an air pressure release. Now THAT would be cool.

Ok, I believe the moisture leaving my eyes has subsided and I'm going to make it. I'm not any less cool and I don't think anyone thinks any less of me or finds me weaker. Well, at least Mimi (this sweet cocker spaniel) doesn't think so. She's just excited to lick the salty tears from my cheeks.

And Henry, I know you are reading this, I did hear what you said to me today and tonight. You are amazing and I love you very much. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel to have you in my life. And I promise... there are SUCH fun times to be had with the two of us. And a TON of laughter. I want to say thank you to you for letting me release a few tears today, it actually did make me feel much better.

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." John Vance Cheney

in a word...

STRESS : A specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism. Physical , mental. or emotional strain or tension.

WORRY : to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts. A cause of uneasiness or anxiety; trouble.



Yep, that about sums up my day thus far. Mom's procedure... which was supposed to be under a local anesthetic and last only 45 minutes to an hour. Well, they had to put her completely under, which is complicated for her on soooo many levels. She has so many drug allergies and to eggs, this may not seem like such a problem for most, but a lot of anesthesia uses a white egg base for the medication. So, now, we are on hour 3 and still no word from anyone on her medical team. I've got two thoughts running through my head right now. One, no news is good news. Second, something is happening and the surgical crew can't come out and say yet. *sigh*

I'm trying to remain calm and a little stoic for my Dad who is sitting next to me. I sent him to get himself some lunch so his sugar doesn't drop. I don't need 2 parents ill right now!!

Worried and stressed. That's me right now. Well, and maybe a little cranky... which I'm trying not to be, but it's hard to keep it all in line right now. I'm gonna try to keep a smile on my face and a constant conversation with God going in my head.

focus lost

I've been here before. I have a trillion and twenty thoughts racing through my head and cannot get them in any order and cannot seem to focus on just one. I feel lost and confused for some reason. I've not posted in a couple of days because I can't seem to find my inner voice.... Even though I have a running dialog happening from moment to moment. Maybe it's because we had to re-admit my mother to the hospital on Thursday with blood clots. Maybe it's because I've got one of the worst sinus headaches I've had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I just want to be held. Or it could be because I'm so turned around by such a mix of emotions. I'm experiencing highs and lows at the same time. Today I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

I've never been more stressed than I am about my mother. And I worry about my dad on a daily basis. It just seems like one thing on top of another keeps happening and Mom's not getting ahead like she should be. With everything going on with her it just seems like a constant uphill battle. I see the stress it causes my father. You can look at him and know how much he loves my mother and for everytime she is in pain or is sick, it hurts him too. I don't like to see that. Granted, mom has made some positive steps forward. Her incision is finally healing nicely and we are down to every other day dressing changes. So that's good! But these clots have definatley set her two steps back. It's all very frustrating at times. All I can do is remain positive for everyone and have faith that things are happening as they should.

On a more positive note... I couldn't be any happier with my personal life. I truly have found the person I am meant to share my life with. Henry is a good man and he loves me. We are going to have such a wonderful time growing old together. We respect one another and care so deeply for the other. I miss him terribly when we are apart. I know things aren't as we'd like for them to be, especially starting a new relationship, but it is what it is. We are handling it the best way we know how. In the long run, I really believe this will make us stronger. I look forward to the moments I get with him right now. Holding his hand. Being kissed. And just looking into each others eyes and talking.

I do worry about him. Probably more than I let on. I tend to let all of that, kind of stay inside of me and try to always put on a positive front. But I want him to get his blood pressure under control. I'm happy he finally has an appointment this week to get that looked at. As annoying as it might be for him, I intend on making sure he does what he needs to insure that he keeps a close eye on that and does what the doctore instructs. ;)

See? Rambling of thoughts... now put to blog.

Quick thoughts..... I'm stressed, I'm happy, I'm constantly worried. I'm tired, my head hurts, I want to be kissed goodnight, and I want to sleep more than 5 hours in a row. And most importantly, I'm in love. This is my life. And you know what? It's actually quite fantastic.

Dreams.

What are dreams? Can we incorporate them in our day to day lives? Do they mean anything or everything that has to do with this waking world we walk around in?

For years I've always had vivid dreams. Specifics so clear. I have always seen color in my dreams and I usually can smell as well. Which is a rarity, from what I'm told by others. I can remember dreams I had when I was in the 4th grade. Every detail. For as long as I can remember, most of the dreams I have seem to come to fruition in one form or another. Sometimes the entire dream comes to life, other times just bits and pieces over time come to me.

Throughout the years I've had a lot of dreams with people I've never met. I've been to places I've never heard of before. Only later to meet them in real life and to experience a new place that I've only been to in my dreams. This used to slightly freak me out, but over time I've come to accept that it just happens sometimes.

Today I had a very jumbled, yet very clear dream. I could see details. It was quite calming and exciting all at the same time. I could see color and I could almost taste the smell around me, if that makes any sense at all. I could feel love. I could also see it. I don't think I'll ever be able to get that feeling out of my mind or away from my heart. Ever. This dream was so perfect. So clear. So happy. And so very touching.

This is a quote I love: " Pay attention to your dreams. God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep." How very true this is. Today I was grabbed by the face and spoken to by an angel. I'll see you soon too sweetheart. Very soon.

Tonight's Moon

I don't care who you are, how big or small your problems are, if you step outside and look at tonight's full moon..............

... everything around you will slip away and seem tiny.

This moon, in all of its glory, got me thinking about life and love. In this world, in the grand scheme of things we are all extremely tiny. We are all living our lives, making the best out of our situations. Moving about day to day. Doing ordinary things. Perhaps doing extraordinary things. But who notices? Most of us will never be the top story on the 10 o'clock news, nor will we be the opening tag to Entertainment Tonight. And I'm okay with that.

I'll tell you who actually notices us... family, friends, and the ones that love you. Sometimes in this simple and complex world we are lucky enough to have people around us who see us for who we truly are. I feel like I am one of those very lucky people. I know my family loves me and sees what a great person I am. I know that with recent events my parents are grateful to have me here to help them and feel blessed that I am as smart and as helpful as I am. I know my friends love and admire me for being such a trustworth, loyal friend and daughter. I also know they think I'm pretty darn funny! And as for those that love me, well, I know that Henry thinks I am pretty amazing. And may I just tell you, having all of that in my life makes me feel like God placed this giant and amazing full moon in the sky just for me.

My life may be simple and ordinary, but it feels pretty amazing to me. And I feel like the luckiest woman around these days. And in the grand scheme of life, isn't that what it's all about?

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(*this picture of the full moon was taken tonight by my friend Chris Bechtel.. Thank you for letting me share!)

sickly ickly..

Let me tell ya something, I've had fun before, and this AIN'T it!! My day started out with my body waking me up from a sound slumber with one thing on its agenda.... purge all that was inside of me. I threw back the covers and ran for the bathroom.... and there I stayed for about a half an hour. I wasn't even aware I had that much in me to throw up, but evidently, I did. I was in a cloud of nausea with a headache and chills running all over my body. I was weak and didn't want to stand up, but I forced myself to. I went to my parents room and stood by my Mom. When i woke her I asked through my tears, if I could have a couple of her pills for nausea/vomiting. She said of course. So I carefully sipped water to take two of them, praying they'd stay down. I retrieved a new night shirt and proceeded to wash my face and brush my teeth. I took a few deep breaths and then went to lay back in my bed.
I know that when I am sick, I don't want a lot of muss and fuss over me. It annoys me to no end. However, I long to have someone hold me when I feel my weakest. To kiss my forehead and tuck me into their arms. To know that if I wake up, they are still right there. I would have liked nothing more last night that to have Henry there for me. I know it was/is impossible at this time, but it would have been nice. I tried calling him, then texting him several times, hoping it would wake him up, because in that moment, all I needed was to hear his voice. I needed to hear him tell me I would be okay and that he wishes he could be here next to me. It didn't happen. I believe he had his phone off. He did call and check on me this morning. And I was very happy to hear his voice.
I've worked with Mom and her occupational therapist so far this morning/afternoon and I've made Mom lunch, and she ate all of it!! YAY!! She has been medicated and is settle in her own bed w a book and her tv on. I told her I needed to lay down again for a bit. We'll see how long this lasts. Dad is out for the afternoon, but will be back later.
Henry text and told me his mother is not well either... so it seems we have 2 households of sickly people. I sure hope it all passes VERY soon!!
I think I'm going to go see about looking at the back of my eyelids for an hour or so, granted Mom doesn't call and need something.

Life IS like a box of chocolates!

You know what? Forrest Gump's Momma was right, life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get, HOWEVER.... you do have the option to take a bite, mull that bite over in your mouth while you give the piece in your hand the once over, and promptly put it BACK in the box and take another! :)

I kind of see that as the way life has been for me. Except this time, I found the piece I want to keep. I found the kind I want an endless supply of. For me, that piece of chocolate would be the toasted coconut one, or as I like to call.... Henry.

Henry is the one. I know it. I can taste it. I can feel it. My soul knows it and so does his. I'm his other wing. Together we shall fly. Embraced we can make it through anything placed in our path.

Never in my life have I been so sure about how I feel about another person. I can honestly say I've never, ever felt the way I feel about Henry with any other person. Not only is this exciting ,but it's scary too. We know we will have battles to overcome. We know it's not always going to roses and sunshine, but that's okay. As long as we keep level heads about us. We know that with the good, so comes the bad, but we also know that we can work through anything together. (As long as he has a HOT shower, I think we'll be good!)

So, if ever you're looking for something sweet to give to me, remember.... toasted coconut chocolates are my favorite... Or as I like to call, Henry. :)