wits end...

Today has been a never ending day of stress in regards to caring for my mother. It seems like for every one step taken forward, there are like five taken backwards. And tonight I just about have reached my limit. That being said, I know I have to push through all of this and continue. But I would like a freaking break for like 2 days. TWO freakin days of nothingness would be delightful.

This roller coaster of her feeling better, then worse is doing nothing but stressing me out to the max. I'm completely frazzeled in my own damn head. She is on regulated medications, which I cannot see giving her any more of anything working. It's a vicious circle.

Today I am the authority figure. Today I had to get stern with my mother. I had to shut off my nice daughter caring for her mother, and be strong, firm, and slightly blunt with her. Inside it hurt me to do that, but she has forced me to be that way. I can no longer get through to her with cooing and niceties. She lets her nausea overtake her and then it gets carried away. SHE holds the power to control it at this point. She has had all the medicine I can give her.

I feel like a shitass for having to break away from the never ending sweetness that comes from me. Dad had to leave the room and go to his office. After which, I went in to see him and he teared up telling me he doesn't know what to do any more and he doesn't know how to handle her when she is out of control crying in pain and dry heaving. I get that he can't see her like that, I do. But, do I really want to be the 'bad guy' during this? No, I don't, but do I get to be? Yes, I do. That's my roll. Caregiver.

I love my mother. I care about her so much. I want her to be well. But dammit, she has to want that too. And every so often I wonder how much she really wants to be well. She has been sick consistantly for so long now, does she even know how to be well at this point?

When putting her back in bed just a moment ago, I noticed she had moved the pillows and wedge I had set up for her to be at a 30 degree angle... She says to me it hurts her back. I took a deep breath and I said to her, "Hurt back or not, this is how it has to be. We have to have gravity work WITH us. These pillows HAVE to be up at this angle or you are going to fight this nausea constantly and frankly mom, I don't want to be up all night with you. If you don't do this, I will call Dr. Evans in the morning and have the hospital bed he wanted you in delivered here. End of conversation. It's up to you." She stared at me blankly. Looked at Dad and said, ok, 0k.. I get it. I'll sleep with them propped up.

Since the weather and roads are so bad, the homehealth nurses didn't come today, so I also get to run her IV twice a day. In twenty minutes I have to hook her IV of antibiotics up to her pic line and that will run for an hour. I'm sure she'll find something to complain about when I do that.

I hate to sound like I'm going on and on about having to care for my mother, but after filling Henry's ears with a smidge of this and crying, I felt like I needed to write some too. It makes me feel better to write things out somtimes. It's not that I love my parents any less for this. No one could have seen that this was going to happen.

I have to keep telling myself that not matter how stressed I am and how much more I am not sure I can handle, I know that I will not be given more than I can deal with. I'm strong and I will make it through this. And I know it won't be like this forever. It's just sometimes, it really feels like I'm ready to break. I do feel better getting to vent, to Henry and on here.

Well, I'm off to play nursemaid again... its time for meds. And I've got to figure out if Dad has had dinner... I heard him snacking in the kitchen. *sigh*

Good lord, I think I need an adult beverage.