Monday, February 28, 2011

Miserable Monday

Still feel sick. Nauseated. Even just walking across the room is miserable. Hate it.



I miss Henry. The last time I slept in this bed he was here with me. I don't like that he's not now. I'm lonely & miss him.



I hope this is a 24 hour bug I have and tomorrow I will feel better.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What's the DEAL??

Jeeze o, jeeze o, jeeze o pizza. THIRD time this week I've fallen asleep sitting up AND with the computer in my lap. This is killin my neck. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is my body's way of telling me I need some rest.
What an interesting week I've had thus far.... but it's also been extremely productive. Got my mother to the doctor's again and started some new antibiotics. Got my Dad to a doctor and had some small skin cancer's removed from both of his ears. Got Henry to a new doctor and started him on some new meds. I couldn't be more thrilled for all of them.
I'm excited about this weekend, especially about Friday. Henry is coming over to spend the day with me, and then I'm going to cook for him and have him stay the night. It's becoming more and more difficult to NOT fall asleep next to him every night. We're working to rectify that, but it couldn't come soon enough. I miss him so much it's painful every night and most definitely in the morning when I wake up. He and I should be beside each other. It's just that simple.
Ok, I'm falling asleep again as I type this. I know Henry is reading this now and I hope he appreciates that I pushed aside temptation to just shut down my laptop and actually WROTE something on my blog. I know it's been days. I've just not felt quite up to it lately. Hell, I hardly have even updated my facebook or my twitter. I'm going to try to do better at all three, but you know, sometimes life gets in the way of that.... and I'll be honest. I kinda like that it does. :)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

ugh.

long day
hard day
stressed
at my limit
need a break
feeling unappreciated
tired
not feeling well
need a break
not myself

Monday, February 14, 2011

Sunday Night. Posting from my Blackberry. Had THE best time with Henry from Sat evening until this evening when I had to leave. :( I didn't want to. It actually hurts to be away from him, especially at night. I just received a call from my cousin in Maine, who is young. (21) and impressionable. She is struggling w life right now and I feel so badly for her. She kept begging for me to come see her. Broke my heart. I'll have to elaborate on my weekend w Henry and the sweet and touching gifts he got for me.... But I'll do that tmrw. I'm worn out and have a long day tmrw.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Friday..what i know..

On this (very late) Friday night... what I know for sure is...

...that this has been an extremely stressful week for me and I wasn't sure I would make it to today without having a meltdown.

...that when I see my Dad & Mom express their love for each other , it warms my heart. Dad had flowers sent to her today because she had doctor's appt on Monday & won't be here to get them. I really believe they perked up her entire day.

...that I can hardly keep my eyes open at this point, but I know if I don't write this Henry will let me know right off the bat I messed up his coffee/blog reading time.

...I'm wicked excited to see Henry tomorrow and we are going to have a blast! We're taking Quint to the Cheesecake Factory and then to a movie... and I'm hoping we'll pop in Barnes & Noble. I don't think any one of us would pass up a book store!

What I know to be true right now is that I cannot wait at the end of our night tomorrow to go back to Henry's house and get to fall asleep in his arms. And knowing that when I wake up, he'll be the first person to wish me good morning and tell me they love me... and I will do the same for him. What I also know for sure is... I want that to be an everyday thing as soon as we can.

Ritz Crackers, Nana, & Late Night Snacks

There are a lot of things in life that remind us of another time. Something that happened in our past. Tonight because of a late night snack craving I was having, I was thrust into my childhood and memories of my Nana. She passed away several years ago, but there are times when I have such a strong memory of her.

When I younger and spent 2 weeks a summer with her in Dallas, if I was to get up late and wanted a snack she would prepare me a few slices of sharp cheddar cheese, slices of an apple, and a few Ritz Crackers. This may seem like an odd mixtures of taste and textures, but put them all together and its a winning combination. As a child, I felt this was a very grown up snack and always felt like a 'big girl' when she and I would sit at the dinning room table and share this snack.

As I sit here and enjoy my late night snack, I think back to Nana and how much I really miss having her in my life. She was sharp as a tack and as witty as they come. And a bit of a smartass. Now that I think about it, she reminds me of someone.... hmmmm. :) She was also one of the smartest and most talented people I have ever come in contact with. I am certain, without a doubt, that I got almost all of my creativity from her. I hope she can see me from where she is and is proud of me. For all I have done in my life and the woman I have become.

Friday, February 11, 2011

right now... i know.


This is what I know for sure... right now.

... that I miss Henry.

...that's I'm finding it more and more difficult to not fall asleep every night in his arms or wake up every day being held by him.

...that my 39th year is moving by way fast, too fast.

...that I need a nap.

...that I don't understand the inner workings of facebook and it's frustrating to me.

...that i STILL need a new phone. And so does my dad.

...that I'm scared. And happy. And exctied about my future.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

wits end...

Today has been a never ending day of stress in regards to caring for my mother. It seems like for every one step taken forward, there are like five taken backwards. And tonight I just about have reached my limit. That being said, I know I have to push through all of this and continue. But I would like a freaking break for like 2 days. TWO freakin days of nothingness would be delightful.

This roller coaster of her feeling better, then worse is doing nothing but stressing me out to the max. I'm completely frazzeled in my own damn head. She is on regulated medications, which I cannot see giving her any more of anything working. It's a vicious circle.

Today I am the authority figure. Today I had to get stern with my mother. I had to shut off my nice daughter caring for her mother, and be strong, firm, and slightly blunt with her. Inside it hurt me to do that, but she has forced me to be that way. I can no longer get through to her with cooing and niceties. She lets her nausea overtake her and then it gets carried away. SHE holds the power to control it at this point. She has had all the medicine I can give her.

I feel like a shitass for having to break away from the never ending sweetness that comes from me. Dad had to leave the room and go to his office. After which, I went in to see him and he teared up telling me he doesn't know what to do any more and he doesn't know how to handle her when she is out of control crying in pain and dry heaving. I get that he can't see her like that, I do. But, do I really want to be the 'bad guy' during this? No, I don't, but do I get to be? Yes, I do. That's my roll. Caregiver.

I love my mother. I care about her so much. I want her to be well. But dammit, she has to want that too. And every so often I wonder how much she really wants to be well. She has been sick consistantly for so long now, does she even know how to be well at this point?

When putting her back in bed just a moment ago, I noticed she had moved the pillows and wedge I had set up for her to be at a 30 degree angle... She says to me it hurts her back. I took a deep breath and I said to her, "Hurt back or not, this is how it has to be. We have to have gravity work WITH us. These pillows HAVE to be up at this angle or you are going to fight this nausea constantly and frankly mom, I don't want to be up all night with you. If you don't do this, I will call Dr. Evans in the morning and have the hospital bed he wanted you in delivered here. End of conversation. It's up to you." She stared at me blankly. Looked at Dad and said, ok, 0k.. I get it. I'll sleep with them propped up.

Since the weather and roads are so bad, the homehealth nurses didn't come today, so I also get to run her IV twice a day. In twenty minutes I have to hook her IV of antibiotics up to her pic line and that will run for an hour. I'm sure she'll find something to complain about when I do that.

I hate to sound like I'm going on and on about having to care for my mother, but after filling Henry's ears with a smidge of this and crying, I felt like I needed to write some too. It makes me feel better to write things out somtimes. It's not that I love my parents any less for this. No one could have seen that this was going to happen.

I have to keep telling myself that not matter how stressed I am and how much more I am not sure I can handle, I know that I will not be given more than I can deal with. I'm strong and I will make it through this. And I know it won't be like this forever. It's just sometimes, it really feels like I'm ready to break. I do feel better getting to vent, to Henry and on here.

Well, I'm off to play nursemaid again... its time for meds. And I've got to figure out if Dad has had dinner... I heard him snacking in the kitchen. *sigh*

Good lord, I think I need an adult beverage.

Snow's coming.... for sure.

.
What I know for sure on this Tuesday are the following:

...I missed taco Tuesday

...that even though I felt like Cinderella pre-Prince Charming this morning, I know that I have a Prince that loves me named Henry.

...that the older I get, the more I definitely see the roll reversal in the parent/child relationship

...I had a moment today when I looked at my puppy Hannahbelle's photo and teared up. Sometimes I miss her so damn much it hurts.

...that I find it a little stimulating organizing and cutting out coupons, then using them to save money whilst grocery shopping.

...when I talk to Henry, actually HEAR his voice, it makes my heart jump. And I LOVE that feeling.

...I make the fluffiest pancakes in all the land! :)

...that I've been quite content with being alone when I go to sleep for a very long time, but since I've met Henry, it's terribly painful and lonely getting in bed by myself.

...as much as I love the snow, I'm a little sad that snow is coming yet again tomorrow morning and I won't be in Henry's arms.

...that I love Nilla waffers. NOT the Vanilla ones that Keebler makes.. the NILLA ones. By Nabisco.

...that with every day that passes, I fall in love a little bit deeper with the man I know is my soulmate.

...even thought I've seen Alias a zillion times, when I rewatch it, I see and/or hear things I don't remember seeing before. JJ Abrams is kinda cool like that.

..that I was right about Henry reminding me that I needed to follow through with my nightly blogs...

...I'm worried I won't get everthing I want to get done by Valentine's Day.

...as many times as Henry says he's going to comment on my blogs, he never really does. *sigh*

...that I hope when I fall asleep tonight I get to see a lillie.

<3

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

what i know ... for sure.

I think I'm going to start trying a WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE blog each night before I go to sleep... Little things I may have noticed throughout my day... things I know... for sure. :) We'll see how long I can keep it up.


So for Monday, these are the things I know .... for sure.

...that fields and empty lots look a lot prettier when they have fresh snow on the as opposed to melting snow and a wet muddy icky mess.

...that using q-tips feels incredible

...that I love being in love.

...that I think I'm eating something that is giving me hives quite frequently and I'm in the early stages of suspect, but I think it might be tomatoes. *sigh*

...that I don't like the fact that it's becoming increasingly difficult to read without my reading glasses *pouts*

...that I want to be happy with Henry for a very long time.

...that I really need a new laptop because this one is really spacing out on me lately and it's very frustrating.

... that I need to find a better pie crust recipe

...that my slight addiction to coupons became a little obsessive looking for a new way to organize them. So much so, I went to WalMart at 9pm to look for inserts for a 3ring binder (i didn't find what I was looking for by the way!)

... that I'm sure Henry will, from now on, remind me that I said I would try to do this daily. Because from now on when he wakes up, I'm sure he'll be looking for this.

and last for today... I know for sure that Henry loves me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I Need a Do Over.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you truly wish you could turn back time and change what occurred? For most of my life, including right now, I have always said, things happen as they should. If you go back in time, even for a moment, you would lose what you have in front of you at this moment. So why do that to yourself? Life is a series of moments, all leading up to where we are now.

However, in recent days I have found myself longing for the ability to go back in time and change something I did, or rather, didn't do. It has lead to a chain of events that I could never have seen coming, nor did I ever want to see. I find myself fixated over what I did vs. what I should have done. I'm constantly replaying what happened over and over again in my head. And it hurts me to my very core, the outcome of something I didn't do. Quite frankly, it hurts my heart and my soul. My actions, my not saying something caused someone else pain. It hurt them. And I'm completely torn up about it.

I have tried to make amends and it feels like nothing I say or do is going to repair what I did. This one action has now set off what feels like a domino effect of other things. And that alone is cause enough to find myself in a constant state of nausea.

This is what I need for them to understand. That I am a good person. That I love with every bit of who I am. That I would never do anything to jeopardize this opportunity to love and be happy. That I am true and real. That I have never loved like this before.

As a person, I am in a constant state of change. Even though I am 39 years old, there is always room for improvement. I know there are things I need to improve on. And I am more than willing to look at those things and improve. When you love someone, this is what you do. You make changes. When someone loves you, they hold your hand while you do.

What I need is someone that won't quit on me. Someone that, even though I may say or do something wrong or hurtful, will stand by me and still love me for who I am. Someone that is willing to work through difficult times and know that on the flip side we are stronger because of that. Someone that knows I KNOW I'm not perfect, but that I'm willing to accept my faults and work through them. I made a mistake and for that I will be forever sorry.

When I love someone, I love them for who they are. For the good, the bad, the funny, the odd, and their faults.


I have prayed about this past week and all its ups and downs. And with a heavy heart I have cried about not having the ability to change any of it. Like it or not, life has unfolded in a way I cannot change. I have to accept it and move on. I don't like it. Not one tiny bit.

This is what I know for sure. I am in love with a wonderful man. That I want to spend the rest of my life making him happy. I want to grow old with him. I think he and I have a chance a true happiness. I know we've both been to hell and back with relationships and deserve a chance at a happy ending. I feel we are each others happy ending. Like he once told me, our relationship shall be the first and only instance that a rose produces a lillie. I know he's my exception.
So this is a test from my Blackberry to my Blogger... Let's see if this really wrks. (Part 1)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

night time dvds

Those that know me, know I love DVD's. I have quite a few of them. During my last move I was able to ween out a few that I didn't feel I needed anymore. And among my collection are a few TV series that I love or have loved. For me, I don't just want to own one or two seasons. If I'm going to buy one... I'll buy them all. Now I know a lot of people buy these series and perhaps will watch a few of them a couple times, and then it gets put in the cabinet. I actually enjoy rewatching a few series; hence the reason I own them. Another thing I won't do is start in the middle of a season. If I'm going to watch a series, I pop in Season One, and will watch until the end of the series, or all that I have if the series is still running on air.

About 2 weeks ago I put in Sex and the City. It had been a while since I had seen it. As I was watching it every night, I was reminded how funny that show really was. It kept me entertained. I think this has to be the third or forth time I've seen it all the way through. And each time I find other little odds and ends that make me smile. I finished today, while iced in, the final of Season 6. I loved it. However, I didn't want to ruin it with the follow up movies, so I opted out of that. (for now)

Tonight I have started with Season One of one of my ALL time favorite TV shows. ALIAS, with Jennifer Garner. I can't even begin to know how many times I've seen this series. The show had so many layers that every time I see it I pick up on something I missed the other few times. I think I love this show so much because deep down inside I've always thought it would be one of the most fascinating jobs in the world to work for the CIA. BUT..... instead, I get to watch this show! :)

Well, that enough of my ramble for the evening..... See y'all in DVD land!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

THE meeting...

Monday late afternoon I had the pleasure of meeting Henry's parents for the first time. And let me just say, I really enjoyed them. They welcomed me in with open arms and I couldn't have been more comfortable in their home. A good southern girl never goes anywhere invited for the first time without a gift of thanks. Since Henry had told me of his mother's love for cooking, I had found a cookbook for her earlier last week. And he told me that his father was a lover of coffee. So I had located a manly looking coffee cup and some biscotti to go with it. And for Quint, I found him a small little robot that he could assemble himself.
It was easy being there and with the entire family. It felt easy and like I belonged. We had a lot of fun and shared a lot of funny stories.
His mother, Cheryl, cooked a fantastic meal for all of us and for the first time I broke bread with the Lewis family. I have a feeling this will be the first of many meals we'll all have together.
The time passed way too quickly, but with bad weather coming in I had to leave earlier than I wanted to. Henry insisted.
I cannot wait to get to hang out with them again and get to know them even more. I'm going to fall in love with this family like I have Henry. This makes my heart swell with even more happiness than I'm already experiencing these days.

11 points makes the difference

I believe in the power of 110%. And delightful that I gained the extra 11% today.

(i can hardly keep my eyes open, so I will elaborate tomorrow!)