Monday, February 7, 2011

I Need a Do Over.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you truly wish you could turn back time and change what occurred? For most of my life, including right now, I have always said, things happen as they should. If you go back in time, even for a moment, you would lose what you have in front of you at this moment. So why do that to yourself? Life is a series of moments, all leading up to where we are now.

However, in recent days I have found myself longing for the ability to go back in time and change something I did, or rather, didn't do. It has lead to a chain of events that I could never have seen coming, nor did I ever want to see. I find myself fixated over what I did vs. what I should have done. I'm constantly replaying what happened over and over again in my head. And it hurts me to my very core, the outcome of something I didn't do. Quite frankly, it hurts my heart and my soul. My actions, my not saying something caused someone else pain. It hurt them. And I'm completely torn up about it.

I have tried to make amends and it feels like nothing I say or do is going to repair what I did. This one action has now set off what feels like a domino effect of other things. And that alone is cause enough to find myself in a constant state of nausea.

This is what I need for them to understand. That I am a good person. That I love with every bit of who I am. That I would never do anything to jeopardize this opportunity to love and be happy. That I am true and real. That I have never loved like this before.

As a person, I am in a constant state of change. Even though I am 39 years old, there is always room for improvement. I know there are things I need to improve on. And I am more than willing to look at those things and improve. When you love someone, this is what you do. You make changes. When someone loves you, they hold your hand while you do.

What I need is someone that won't quit on me. Someone that, even though I may say or do something wrong or hurtful, will stand by me and still love me for who I am. Someone that is willing to work through difficult times and know that on the flip side we are stronger because of that. Someone that knows I KNOW I'm not perfect, but that I'm willing to accept my faults and work through them. I made a mistake and for that I will be forever sorry.

When I love someone, I love them for who they are. For the good, the bad, the funny, the odd, and their faults.

I have prayed about this past week and all its ups and downs. And with a heavy heart I have cried about not having the ability to change any of it. Like it or not, life has unfolded in a way I cannot change. I have to accept it and move on. I don't like it. Not one tiny bit.

This is what I know for sure. I am in love with a wonderful man. That I want to spend the rest of my life making him happy. I want to grow old with him. I think he and I have a chance a true happiness. I know we've both been to hell and back with relationships and deserve a chance at a happy ending. I feel we are each others happy ending. Like he once told me, our relationship shall be the first and only instance that a rose produces a lillie. I know he's my exception.

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