Friday, March 18, 2011

happy

some things that make me happy....



...Cotton Candy Jelly Bellys

...having someone brush my hair

...puppy breath

...a good book

...freshly brushed teeth

...southern sweet tea

...a good night kiss from Henry

...being held when I'm falling asleep

...ICE cold Metromint

...ALIAS

...a comfortable bra

...soft sheets

...panties that don't ride up my bum

...finding the perfect purse

...singing in the shower

...my friends





i'll add more later. I'm falling asleep.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

crybaby

Being a woman has its advantages and disadvantages. Right now I'm not so focused on the advantages. Mostly because of one of the disadvantages... PMS. Now having PMS does mean that women have the ability for great things... the cycle of life.. yadda yadda. I get that. I understand that. Being able to create a life with someone is beautiful. I'm hoping to be able to do that in the future.

But right now, my hormones are reeking havoc in my body. Seems the older I get the more I notice this happening. Maybe it's just because there has been so much stress in my life. I don't know. All I know is in the past 24 hours I've been extremely sensitive and even brought to tears a couple times. I am not comfortable with that. I feel like my body is turning on me....it turns me from an upbeat sweet funny witty and silly girl to this over emotional cry baby. Ugh...

Henry suggested that I take some medicine and go to bed. To not think of all the crap I've been mulling over all day and just go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. He's right. (I'm sure he'll want to highlight and save those two words to use at a later date!)

I'm going to take some meds... put my ipod in my ears and try to let this day fade away into slumber.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Had more to say than I thought...

I've sat here at this keyboard for quite sometime. I have so many thoughts going through my mind this evening. I thought if i sat here long enough I could make it into some sort of smart and witty blog. I fear I have failed accomplishing that task.

I emailed back and forth to a friend of mine I've only known for a few years. She was telling me that tomorrow was 'college' day for her daughter, which got me thinking about Meagan and how we went through that college search together what seems like years and years ago. I realized my friend didn't know the story of Baby Meagan, so I told her. It brought back a flood of memories I had from that time. From when we'd stay up late doing home work or she'd wake me up in the middle of the night because she had a bad dream and wanted to get in bed next to me. From her prom and that dress of hers with a million and twenty beads on it that I had to stay up for 3 nights redoing for her. The time we drove to Dallas all night long because she had a school function and couldn't leave Arkansas until 11pm so we could see Wicked on tour. There are so many things.. so many memories. Oohhhh.. the grilled cheeses she'd have me make her and to this day still talks about.
I'll say this, if nothing else in life, God knows what he's doing. He put that child in my life at that time for a reason. She not only needed me, I needed her. She will always be a part of my heart and my family.

Other ramblings in my head at this moment is the cost of medication. Today we had to take Mom back to the ER. Her homehealth nurse didn't like the looks of her wound today ... called Mom's doctor and to be on the safe side, he said we should take her to the ER... Well, several hours later, she was discharged from the ER with 2 prescriptions. One for an ointment for her wound and the other was a different antibiotic. The ER doc did say it may be a bit pricey and if it was to call back to the ER and he would try something different.

After dropping Mom and Dad at home, I went to drop off her rx's and to do a bit of grocery shopping. The pharmacy tech at Walgreens looked at me strangely when I gave her the Rx and she asked me to hold on for a moment, then she came back and said that she was sorry to tell me this, but this medication is quite expensive. I asked how much and she told me that for the COPAY it would be $698.00!! I just looked at her. I said $700???? Are you KIDDING me??? She told me the drug with out the insurance would cost $2800!!!!! Ummmmm.... WHaaaaattt?? I was shocked. And so was my Dad. But even after trying to get ahold of the ER doctor (who had gone home by this time) and finally talking to Mom's regular doctor, he said that was her only choice. One small problem. Jason called to check on Mom and when Dad told him what medication it was, Jason informed him that he was allergic to that antibiotic. Great. He and Mom share a lot of the same allergies. So basically, we got them to fill 2 pills so we could make sure Mom doesn't have an allergic reaction before Dad pays $700 for the entire rx.... She's had one dose. And so far, so good. I wouldn't tell her what type of reaction Jason had to the medicine, because she is easily influenced by what people say or how they feel. Somehow she always has the 'very same' reaction. So, I chose not to tell her. She wasn't to happy with that choice, however and I got the evil look of Sandie when I wouldn't tell her. Tomorrow I'll give her the 2nd dose and if all goes well, I'll go pick up the rest of it.

My bed companion tonight, as most nights, is Mimi. Mom and Dad's cocker spaniel. She is a loving and sweet girl who has grown used to coming to bed with me. She even looks for me when she feels its time to go to sleep. She cracks me up all the time and I really wish I could know what she was thinking in that head of hers. But what really cracks me up is how she sleeps sometimes.... it's like there isn't a care in the world. It's kinda sweet and I think it fills a void with me since I lost my own cocker spaniel Hannahbelle.

I'm hoping that tomorrow afternoon I'll be heading over to Henry's to stay with him. I've not seen him since Monday morning and I miss him something terrible. Through all I think about and go through, I'm glad he's by my side. I'm glad he's a part of my life. I love him more than anything. And love him more with every single day.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

what i know....for sure March 3

What I know for sure...

...is that I'm glad I'm finally feeling like my old self again.
...that being sick sucks ass.
...when i think of Henry my heart skips a beat.
...that you shouldn't give in to your cravings when you are on the verge of throwing up.
...that no matter how much you've slept while being sick, you still need more.
...that spring is coming and it's so nice to have the windows open in the house.
... that gas prices are rising for no damn reason.
...that i cannot wait to have Henry's arms around me again.
...that i wish i still looked as young as I sometimes feel when i look in the mirror.
...I'm excited my show Big Bang Theory comes on tonight!
...that I'm hoping I'll be spending most of my weekend with the man I love.

ramblingssssssssssss

there are times in my life i want to just get words to paper. they may not make sense to anyone , then again, they could change the world. Highly doubtful on the latter however...
I see things that need to be changed on day to day basis. With people and how they communicate w each other. Some have ideas and when that idea is presented, it is usually shot to hell before anyone can actually see or experience the idea. What I'd like to see is a safe forum for people to present ideas for making life a lot simpler. The ideas are out there. It's tracking down those that are able to commit to doing this type of process with me. And once all of the processes are tracked down and we have sets of process rules with applications of the processes and such, then we expand to something larger. I have ideas on ways things could be better flowing thru my veins on a daily basis. I know my friends do too. The idea has to be to get this out there and find those that are willing to.
Again, this could be just a rambling of nothingness.... but we'll see.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Miserable Monday

Still feel sick. Nauseated. Even just walking across the room is miserable. Hate it.



I miss Henry. The last time I slept in this bed he was here with me. I don't like that he's not now. I'm lonely & miss him.



I hope this is a 24 hour bug I have and tomorrow I will feel better.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What's the DEAL??

Jeeze o, jeeze o, jeeze o pizza. THIRD time this week I've fallen asleep sitting up AND with the computer in my lap. This is killin my neck. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is my body's way of telling me I need some rest.
What an interesting week I've had thus far.... but it's also been extremely productive. Got my mother to the doctor's again and started some new antibiotics. Got my Dad to a doctor and had some small skin cancer's removed from both of his ears. Got Henry to a new doctor and started him on some new meds. I couldn't be more thrilled for all of them.
I'm excited about this weekend, especially about Friday. Henry is coming over to spend the day with me, and then I'm going to cook for him and have him stay the night. It's becoming more and more difficult to NOT fall asleep next to him every night. We're working to rectify that, but it couldn't come soon enough. I miss him so much it's painful every night and most definitely in the morning when I wake up. He and I should be beside each other. It's just that simple.
Ok, I'm falling asleep again as I type this. I know Henry is reading this now and I hope he appreciates that I pushed aside temptation to just shut down my laptop and actually WROTE something on my blog. I know it's been days. I've just not felt quite up to it lately. Hell, I hardly have even updated my facebook or my twitter. I'm going to try to do better at all three, but you know, sometimes life gets in the way of that.... and I'll be honest. I kinda like that it does. :)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

ugh.

long day
hard day
stressed
at my limit
need a break
feeling unappreciated
tired
not feeling well
need a break
not myself

Monday, February 14, 2011

Sunday Night. Posting from my Blackberry. Had THE best time with Henry from Sat evening until this evening when I had to leave. :( I didn't want to. It actually hurts to be away from him, especially at night. I just received a call from my cousin in Maine, who is young. (21) and impressionable. She is struggling w life right now and I feel so badly for her. She kept begging for me to come see her. Broke my heart. I'll have to elaborate on my weekend w Henry and the sweet and touching gifts he got for me.... But I'll do that tmrw. I'm worn out and have a long day tmrw.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Friday..what i know..

On this (very late) Friday night... what I know for sure is...

...that this has been an extremely stressful week for me and I wasn't sure I would make it to today without having a meltdown.

...that when I see my Dad & Mom express their love for each other , it warms my heart. Dad had flowers sent to her today because she had doctor's appt on Monday & won't be here to get them. I really believe they perked up her entire day.

...that I can hardly keep my eyes open at this point, but I know if I don't write this Henry will let me know right off the bat I messed up his coffee/blog reading time.

...I'm wicked excited to see Henry tomorrow and we are going to have a blast! We're taking Quint to the Cheesecake Factory and then to a movie... and I'm hoping we'll pop in Barnes & Noble. I don't think any one of us would pass up a book store!

What I know to be true right now is that I cannot wait at the end of our night tomorrow to go back to Henry's house and get to fall asleep in his arms. And knowing that when I wake up, he'll be the first person to wish me good morning and tell me they love me... and I will do the same for him. What I also know for sure is... I want that to be an everyday thing as soon as we can.

Ritz Crackers, Nana, & Late Night Snacks

There are a lot of things in life that remind us of another time. Something that happened in our past. Tonight because of a late night snack craving I was having, I was thrust into my childhood and memories of my Nana. She passed away several years ago, but there are times when I have such a strong memory of her.

When I younger and spent 2 weeks a summer with her in Dallas, if I was to get up late and wanted a snack she would prepare me a few slices of sharp cheddar cheese, slices of an apple, and a few Ritz Crackers. This may seem like an odd mixtures of taste and textures, but put them all together and its a winning combination. As a child, I felt this was a very grown up snack and always felt like a 'big girl' when she and I would sit at the dinning room table and share this snack.

As I sit here and enjoy my late night snack, I think back to Nana and how much I really miss having her in my life. She was sharp as a tack and as witty as they come. And a bit of a smartass. Now that I think about it, she reminds me of someone.... hmmmm. :) She was also one of the smartest and most talented people I have ever come in contact with. I am certain, without a doubt, that I got almost all of my creativity from her. I hope she can see me from where she is and is proud of me. For all I have done in my life and the woman I have become.

Friday, February 11, 2011

right now... i know.


This is what I know for sure... right now.

... that I miss Henry.

...that's I'm finding it more and more difficult to not fall asleep every night in his arms or wake up every day being held by him.

...that my 39th year is moving by way fast, too fast.

...that I need a nap.

...that I don't understand the inner workings of facebook and it's frustrating to me.

...that i STILL need a new phone. And so does my dad.

...that I'm scared. And happy. And exctied about my future.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

wits end...

Today has been a never ending day of stress in regards to caring for my mother. It seems like for every one step taken forward, there are like five taken backwards. And tonight I just about have reached my limit. That being said, I know I have to push through all of this and continue. But I would like a freaking break for like 2 days. TWO freakin days of nothingness would be delightful.

This roller coaster of her feeling better, then worse is doing nothing but stressing me out to the max. I'm completely frazzeled in my own damn head. She is on regulated medications, which I cannot see giving her any more of anything working. It's a vicious circle.

Today I am the authority figure. Today I had to get stern with my mother. I had to shut off my nice daughter caring for her mother, and be strong, firm, and slightly blunt with her. Inside it hurt me to do that, but she has forced me to be that way. I can no longer get through to her with cooing and niceties. She lets her nausea overtake her and then it gets carried away. SHE holds the power to control it at this point. She has had all the medicine I can give her.

I feel like a shitass for having to break away from the never ending sweetness that comes from me. Dad had to leave the room and go to his office. After which, I went in to see him and he teared up telling me he doesn't know what to do any more and he doesn't know how to handle her when she is out of control crying in pain and dry heaving. I get that he can't see her like that, I do. But, do I really want to be the 'bad guy' during this? No, I don't, but do I get to be? Yes, I do. That's my roll. Caregiver.

I love my mother. I care about her so much. I want her to be well. But dammit, she has to want that too. And every so often I wonder how much she really wants to be well. She has been sick consistantly for so long now, does she even know how to be well at this point?

When putting her back in bed just a moment ago, I noticed she had moved the pillows and wedge I had set up for her to be at a 30 degree angle... She says to me it hurts her back. I took a deep breath and I said to her, "Hurt back or not, this is how it has to be. We have to have gravity work WITH us. These pillows HAVE to be up at this angle or you are going to fight this nausea constantly and frankly mom, I don't want to be up all night with you. If you don't do this, I will call Dr. Evans in the morning and have the hospital bed he wanted you in delivered here. End of conversation. It's up to you." She stared at me blankly. Looked at Dad and said, ok, 0k.. I get it. I'll sleep with them propped up.

Since the weather and roads are so bad, the homehealth nurses didn't come today, so I also get to run her IV twice a day. In twenty minutes I have to hook her IV of antibiotics up to her pic line and that will run for an hour. I'm sure she'll find something to complain about when I do that.

I hate to sound like I'm going on and on about having to care for my mother, but after filling Henry's ears with a smidge of this and crying, I felt like I needed to write some too. It makes me feel better to write things out somtimes. It's not that I love my parents any less for this. No one could have seen that this was going to happen.

I have to keep telling myself that not matter how stressed I am and how much more I am not sure I can handle, I know that I will not be given more than I can deal with. I'm strong and I will make it through this. And I know it won't be like this forever. It's just sometimes, it really feels like I'm ready to break. I do feel better getting to vent, to Henry and on here.

Well, I'm off to play nursemaid again... its time for meds. And I've got to figure out if Dad has had dinner... I heard him snacking in the kitchen. *sigh*

Good lord, I think I need an adult beverage.

Snow's coming.... for sure.

.
What I know for sure on this Tuesday are the following:

...I missed taco Tuesday

...that even though I felt like Cinderella pre-Prince Charming this morning, I know that I have a Prince that loves me named Henry.

...that the older I get, the more I definitely see the roll reversal in the parent/child relationship

...I had a moment today when I looked at my puppy Hannahbelle's photo and teared up. Sometimes I miss her so damn much it hurts.

...that I find it a little stimulating organizing and cutting out coupons, then using them to save money whilst grocery shopping.

...when I talk to Henry, actually HEAR his voice, it makes my heart jump. And I LOVE that feeling.

...I make the fluffiest pancakes in all the land! :)

...that I've been quite content with being alone when I go to sleep for a very long time, but since I've met Henry, it's terribly painful and lonely getting in bed by myself.

...as much as I love the snow, I'm a little sad that snow is coming yet again tomorrow morning and I won't be in Henry's arms.

...that I love Nilla waffers. NOT the Vanilla ones that Keebler makes.. the NILLA ones. By Nabisco.

...that with every day that passes, I fall in love a little bit deeper with the man I know is my soulmate.

...even thought I've seen Alias a zillion times, when I rewatch it, I see and/or hear things I don't remember seeing before. JJ Abrams is kinda cool like that.

..that I was right about Henry reminding me that I needed to follow through with my nightly blogs...

...I'm worried I won't get everthing I want to get done by Valentine's Day.

...as many times as Henry says he's going to comment on my blogs, he never really does. *sigh*

...that I hope when I fall asleep tonight I get to see a lillie.

<3

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

what i know ... for sure.

I think I'm going to start trying a WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE blog each night before I go to sleep... Little things I may have noticed throughout my day... things I know... for sure. :) We'll see how long I can keep it up.


So for Monday, these are the things I know .... for sure.

...that fields and empty lots look a lot prettier when they have fresh snow on the as opposed to melting snow and a wet muddy icky mess.

...that using q-tips feels incredible

...that I love being in love.

...that I think I'm eating something that is giving me hives quite frequently and I'm in the early stages of suspect, but I think it might be tomatoes. *sigh*

...that I don't like the fact that it's becoming increasingly difficult to read without my reading glasses *pouts*

...that I want to be happy with Henry for a very long time.

...that I really need a new laptop because this one is really spacing out on me lately and it's very frustrating.

... that I need to find a better pie crust recipe

...that my slight addiction to coupons became a little obsessive looking for a new way to organize them. So much so, I went to WalMart at 9pm to look for inserts for a 3ring binder (i didn't find what I was looking for by the way!)

... that I'm sure Henry will, from now on, remind me that I said I would try to do this daily. Because from now on when he wakes up, I'm sure he'll be looking for this.

and last for today... I know for sure that Henry loves me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I Need a Do Over.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you truly wish you could turn back time and change what occurred? For most of my life, including right now, I have always said, things happen as they should. If you go back in time, even for a moment, you would lose what you have in front of you at this moment. So why do that to yourself? Life is a series of moments, all leading up to where we are now.

However, in recent days I have found myself longing for the ability to go back in time and change something I did, or rather, didn't do. It has lead to a chain of events that I could never have seen coming, nor did I ever want to see. I find myself fixated over what I did vs. what I should have done. I'm constantly replaying what happened over and over again in my head. And it hurts me to my very core, the outcome of something I didn't do. Quite frankly, it hurts my heart and my soul. My actions, my not saying something caused someone else pain. It hurt them. And I'm completely torn up about it.

I have tried to make amends and it feels like nothing I say or do is going to repair what I did. This one action has now set off what feels like a domino effect of other things. And that alone is cause enough to find myself in a constant state of nausea.

This is what I need for them to understand. That I am a good person. That I love with every bit of who I am. That I would never do anything to jeopardize this opportunity to love and be happy. That I am true and real. That I have never loved like this before.

As a person, I am in a constant state of change. Even though I am 39 years old, there is always room for improvement. I know there are things I need to improve on. And I am more than willing to look at those things and improve. When you love someone, this is what you do. You make changes. When someone loves you, they hold your hand while you do.

What I need is someone that won't quit on me. Someone that, even though I may say or do something wrong or hurtful, will stand by me and still love me for who I am. Someone that is willing to work through difficult times and know that on the flip side we are stronger because of that. Someone that knows I KNOW I'm not perfect, but that I'm willing to accept my faults and work through them. I made a mistake and for that I will be forever sorry.

When I love someone, I love them for who they are. For the good, the bad, the funny, the odd, and their faults.


I have prayed about this past week and all its ups and downs. And with a heavy heart I have cried about not having the ability to change any of it. Like it or not, life has unfolded in a way I cannot change. I have to accept it and move on. I don't like it. Not one tiny bit.

This is what I know for sure. I am in love with a wonderful man. That I want to spend the rest of my life making him happy. I want to grow old with him. I think he and I have a chance a true happiness. I know we've both been to hell and back with relationships and deserve a chance at a happy ending. I feel we are each others happy ending. Like he once told me, our relationship shall be the first and only instance that a rose produces a lillie. I know he's my exception.
So this is a test from my Blackberry to my Blogger... Let's see if this really wrks. (Part 1)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

night time dvds

Those that know me, know I love DVD's. I have quite a few of them. During my last move I was able to ween out a few that I didn't feel I needed anymore. And among my collection are a few TV series that I love or have loved. For me, I don't just want to own one or two seasons. If I'm going to buy one... I'll buy them all. Now I know a lot of people buy these series and perhaps will watch a few of them a couple times, and then it gets put in the cabinet. I actually enjoy rewatching a few series; hence the reason I own them. Another thing I won't do is start in the middle of a season. If I'm going to watch a series, I pop in Season One, and will watch until the end of the series, or all that I have if the series is still running on air.

About 2 weeks ago I put in Sex and the City. It had been a while since I had seen it. As I was watching it every night, I was reminded how funny that show really was. It kept me entertained. I think this has to be the third or forth time I've seen it all the way through. And each time I find other little odds and ends that make me smile. I finished today, while iced in, the final of Season 6. I loved it. However, I didn't want to ruin it with the follow up movies, so I opted out of that. (for now)

Tonight I have started with Season One of one of my ALL time favorite TV shows. ALIAS, with Jennifer Garner. I can't even begin to know how many times I've seen this series. The show had so many layers that every time I see it I pick up on something I missed the other few times. I think I love this show so much because deep down inside I've always thought it would be one of the most fascinating jobs in the world to work for the CIA. BUT..... instead, I get to watch this show! :)

Well, that enough of my ramble for the evening..... See y'all in DVD land!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

THE meeting...

Monday late afternoon I had the pleasure of meeting Henry's parents for the first time. And let me just say, I really enjoyed them. They welcomed me in with open arms and I couldn't have been more comfortable in their home. A good southern girl never goes anywhere invited for the first time without a gift of thanks. Since Henry had told me of his mother's love for cooking, I had found a cookbook for her earlier last week. And he told me that his father was a lover of coffee. So I had located a manly looking coffee cup and some biscotti to go with it. And for Quint, I found him a small little robot that he could assemble himself.
It was easy being there and with the entire family. It felt easy and like I belonged. We had a lot of fun and shared a lot of funny stories.
His mother, Cheryl, cooked a fantastic meal for all of us and for the first time I broke bread with the Lewis family. I have a feeling this will be the first of many meals we'll all have together.
The time passed way too quickly, but with bad weather coming in I had to leave earlier than I wanted to. Henry insisted.
I cannot wait to get to hang out with them again and get to know them even more. I'm going to fall in love with this family like I have Henry. This makes my heart swell with even more happiness than I'm already experiencing these days.

11 points makes the difference

I believe in the power of 110%. And delightful that I gained the extra 11% today.

(i can hardly keep my eyes open, so I will elaborate tomorrow!)

Friday, January 28, 2011

moisture from the eyes

On the see-saw of emotions with STRESS being on one side and BALANCE being on the other, I've experienced every single feeling there is today.
Where in my life's journey did I learn how to bottle things up that are emotionally hard or difficult? Is it a defense mechanism? Did I learn to do this as a coping device from a small child? Where ever I learned, I did so quite well. If I was being graded, I'm sure I'd rack up an A+.... with bonus points.
In my life lately there are a lot of things to be worried about. There are a lot of things I am responsible for. And there are a lot of things that I didn't ask for. But who am I to think badly of these things? I know in this world there are a lot of people who have it so much worse than I do. So, how is it okay for me to complain about anything? I have a running conversation going on with God and from time to time, my Nana. Some might call this praying, but mostly I just call it rambling in my head. Thoughts really.
There are people all around me that care about me. I get that. There are people in my life that are worried about me. I get that too.
...
...
...
ok... I've sat and stared at this page for a long time and this is what's going on in my brain......
Does it make me a weak person to break down and cry for 30 minutes? Will people see me as 'the girl that can't handle stress' if I cry? What if I actually voice that I hate whats going on and I hate having to be the strong one? What kind of person does that make me? Am I a bad daughter? Does it make me a complete and utter nut job to tell you that as I type this I have tears streaming down my face? Should I worry that I won't stop? I want to be as strong as possible for my family. Specifically for my Mom and Dad. If they see me like this, I am certain I won't be seen as strong to them. It's really a strange belief I have rooting around in my head. I know it doesn't make complete sense. I don't want to have to ask for help. I have the world really, so why should I even THINK that it's okay to ask for anything? There are a million other people with worries greater than mine. I know that eventually this will pass. And I know that I will make it through this a stronger person. I want my mother well. I want my dad to jovial again.
I want to be the one people want to make sure they sit next to at dinner because I'm the funny one. I don't feel that funny lately and I hate that. I feel that the really cool part of me is being smothered and can't find it's way up for air.
You know what I wish? I wish I had a switch... well several switches actually. One to turn off and on for sleeping purposes. And one to turn off and on for stress release. Kind of like a valve... when you flipped the switch you'd hear a like an air pressure release. Now THAT would be cool.

Ok, I believe the moisture leaving my eyes has subsided and I'm going to make it. I'm not any less cool and I don't think anyone thinks any less of me or finds me weaker. Well, at least Mimi (this sweet cocker spaniel) doesn't think so. She's just excited to lick the salty tears from my cheeks.

And Henry, I know you are reading this, I did hear what you said to me today and tonight. You are amazing and I love you very much. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel to have you in my life. And I promise... there are SUCH fun times to be had with the two of us. And a TON of laughter. I want to say thank you to you for letting me release a few tears today, it actually did make me feel much better.

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." John Vance Cheney

Thursday, January 27, 2011

in a word...

STRESS : A specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism. Physical , mental. or emotional strain or tension.

WORRY : to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts. A cause of uneasiness or anxiety; trouble.



Yep, that about sums up my day thus far. Mom's procedure... which was supposed to be under a local anesthetic and last only 45 minutes to an hour. Well, they had to put her completely under, which is complicated for her on soooo many levels. She has so many drug allergies and to eggs, this may not seem like such a problem for most, but a lot of anesthesia uses a white egg base for the medication. So, now, we are on hour 3 and still no word from anyone on her medical team. I've got two thoughts running through my head right now. One, no news is good news. Second, something is happening and the surgical crew can't come out and say yet. *sigh*

I'm trying to remain calm and a little stoic for my Dad who is sitting next to me. I sent him to get himself some lunch so his sugar doesn't drop. I don't need 2 parents ill right now!!

Worried and stressed. That's me right now. Well, and maybe a little cranky... which I'm trying not to be, but it's hard to keep it all in line right now. I'm gonna try to keep a smile on my face and a constant conversation with God going in my head.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

focus lost

I've been here before. I have a trillion and twenty thoughts racing through my head and cannot get them in any order and cannot seem to focus on just one. I feel lost and confused for some reason. I've not posted in a couple of days because I can't seem to find my inner voice.... Even though I have a running dialog happening from moment to moment. Maybe it's because we had to re-admit my mother to the hospital on Thursday with blood clots. Maybe it's because I've got one of the worst sinus headaches I've had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I just want to be held. Or it could be because I'm so turned around by such a mix of emotions. I'm experiencing highs and lows at the same time. Today I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

I've never been more stressed than I am about my mother. And I worry about my dad on a daily basis. It just seems like one thing on top of another keeps happening and Mom's not getting ahead like she should be. With everything going on with her it just seems like a constant uphill battle. I see the stress it causes my father. You can look at him and know how much he loves my mother and for everytime she is in pain or is sick, it hurts him too. I don't like to see that. Granted, mom has made some positive steps forward. Her incision is finally healing nicely and we are down to every other day dressing changes. So that's good! But these clots have definatley set her two steps back. It's all very frustrating at times. All I can do is remain positive for everyone and have faith that things are happening as they should.

On a more positive note... I couldn't be any happier with my personal life. I truly have found the person I am meant to share my life with. Henry is a good man and he loves me. We are going to have such a wonderful time growing old together. We respect one another and care so deeply for the other. I miss him terribly when we are apart. I know things aren't as we'd like for them to be, especially starting a new relationship, but it is what it is. We are handling it the best way we know how. In the long run, I really believe this will make us stronger. I look forward to the moments I get with him right now. Holding his hand. Being kissed. And just looking into each others eyes and talking.

I do worry about him. Probably more than I let on. I tend to let all of that, kind of stay inside of me and try to always put on a positive front. But I want him to get his blood pressure under control. I'm happy he finally has an appointment this week to get that looked at. As annoying as it might be for him, I intend on making sure he does what he needs to insure that he keeps a close eye on that and does what the doctore instructs. ;)

See? Rambling of thoughts... now put to blog.

Quick thoughts..... I'm stressed, I'm happy, I'm constantly worried. I'm tired, my head hurts, I want to be kissed goodnight, and I want to sleep more than 5 hours in a row. And most importantly, I'm in love. This is my life. And you know what? It's actually quite fantastic.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dreams.

What are dreams? Can we incorporate them in our day to day lives? Do they mean anything or everything that has to do with this waking world we walk around in?

For years I've always had vivid dreams. Specifics so clear. I have always seen color in my dreams and I usually can smell as well. Which is a rarity, from what I'm told by others. I can remember dreams I had when I was in the 4th grade. Every detail. For as long as I can remember, most of the dreams I have seem to come to fruition in one form or another. Sometimes the entire dream comes to life, other times just bits and pieces over time come to me.

Throughout the years I've had a lot of dreams with people I've never met. I've been to places I've never heard of before. Only later to meet them in real life and to experience a new place that I've only been to in my dreams. This used to slightly freak me out, but over time I've come to accept that it just happens sometimes.

Today I had a very jumbled, yet very clear dream. I could see details. It was quite calming and exciting all at the same time. I could see color and I could almost taste the smell around me, if that makes any sense at all. I could feel love. I could also see it. I don't think I'll ever be able to get that feeling out of my mind or away from my heart. Ever. This dream was so perfect. So clear. So happy. And so very touching.

This is a quote I love: " Pay attention to your dreams. God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep." How very true this is. Today I was grabbed by the face and spoken to by an angel. I'll see you soon too sweetheart. Very soon.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tonight's Moon

I don't care who you are, how big or small your problems are, if you step outside and look at tonight's full moon..............
... everything around you will slip away and seem tiny.
This moon, in all of its glory, got me thinking about life and love. In this world, in the grand scheme of things we are all extremely tiny. We are all living our lives, making the best out of our situations. Moving about day to day. Doing ordinary things. Perhaps doing extraordinary things. But who notices? Most of us will never be the top story on the 10 o'clock news, nor will we be the opening tag to Entertainment Tonight. And I'm okay with that.
I'll tell you who actually notices us... family, friends, and the ones that love you. Sometimes in this simple and complex world we are lucky enough to have people around us who see us for who we truly are. I feel like I am one of those very lucky people. I know my family loves me and sees what a great person I am. I know that with recent events my parents are grateful to have me here to help them and feel blessed that I am as smart and as helpful as I am. I know my friends love and admire me for being such a trustworth, loyal friend and daughter. I also know they think I'm pretty darn funny! And as for those that love me, well, I know that Henry thinks I am pretty amazing. And may I just tell you, having all of that in my life makes me feel like God placed this giant and amazing full moon in the sky just for me.
My life may be simple and ordinary, but it feels pretty amazing to me. And I feel like the luckiest woman around these days. And in the grand scheme of life, isn't that what it's all about?
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(*this picture of the full moon was taken tonight by my friend Chris Bechtel.. Thank you for letting me share!)

sickly ickly..

Let me tell ya something, I've had fun before, and this AIN'T it!! My day started out with my body waking me up from a sound slumber with one thing on its agenda.... purge all that was inside of me. I threw back the covers and ran for the bathroom.... and there I stayed for about a half an hour. I wasn't even aware I had that much in me to throw up, but evidently, I did. I was in a cloud of nausea with a headache and chills running all over my body. I was weak and didn't want to stand up, but I forced myself to. I went to my parents room and stood by my Mom. When i woke her I asked through my tears, if I could have a couple of her pills for nausea/vomiting. She said of course. So I carefully sipped water to take two of them, praying they'd stay down. I retrieved a new night shirt and proceeded to wash my face and brush my teeth. I took a few deep breaths and then went to lay back in my bed.
I know that when I am sick, I don't want a lot of muss and fuss over me. It annoys me to no end. However, I long to have someone hold me when I feel my weakest. To kiss my forehead and tuck me into their arms. To know that if I wake up, they are still right there. I would have liked nothing more last night that to have Henry there for me. I know it was/is impossible at this time, but it would have been nice. I tried calling him, then texting him several times, hoping it would wake him up, because in that moment, all I needed was to hear his voice. I needed to hear him tell me I would be okay and that he wishes he could be here next to me. It didn't happen. I believe he had his phone off. He did call and check on me this morning. And I was very happy to hear his voice.
I've worked with Mom and her occupational therapist so far this morning/afternoon and I've made Mom lunch, and she ate all of it!! YAY!! She has been medicated and is settle in her own bed w a book and her tv on. I told her I needed to lay down again for a bit. We'll see how long this lasts. Dad is out for the afternoon, but will be back later.
Henry text and told me his mother is not well either... so it seems we have 2 households of sickly people. I sure hope it all passes VERY soon!!
I think I'm going to go see about looking at the back of my eyelids for an hour or so, granted Mom doesn't call and need something.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Life IS like a box of chocolates!

You know what? Forrest Gump's Momma was right, life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get, HOWEVER.... you do have the option to take a bite, mull that bite over in your mouth while you give the piece in your hand the once over, and promptly put it BACK in the box and take another! :)

I kind of see that as the way life has been for me. Except this time, I found the piece I want to keep. I found the kind I want an endless supply of. For me, that piece of chocolate would be the toasted coconut one, or as I like to call.... Henry.

Henry is the one. I know it. I can taste it. I can feel it. My soul knows it and so does his. I'm his other wing. Together we shall fly. Embraced we can make it through anything placed in our path.

Never in my life have I been so sure about how I feel about another person. I can honestly say I've never, ever felt the way I feel about Henry with any other person. Not only is this exciting ,but it's scary too. We know we will have battles to overcome. We know it's not always going to roses and sunshine, but that's okay. As long as we keep level heads about us. We know that with the good, so comes the bad, but we also know that we can work through anything together. (As long as he has a HOT shower, I think we'll be good!)

So, if ever you're looking for something sweet to give to me, remember.... toasted coconut chocolates are my favorite... Or as I like to call, Henry. :)

Life isn't stopping...

You know what doesn't stop, even for a moment, no matter how icky you feel? Life. Nope... not for one minute. I've not felt the greatest today, not because I'm sick, because mother nature has a humorous side when it comes to women and what they must endure every month.

Earlier this morning, I retrieved my mother's heating pad and thought I would be able to lay down with it for an hour or so, thinking that may help a bit. Then loaded myself up with some liquid gel Aleeve's (which are the BOMB by the way). But between the wound care nurse coming and then an hour later the physical therapist coming.... and then I had to prepare lunch for Mom, I've not been able to actually USE this heating pad. It is now a little after 3pm and I'm going to lay down for at least an hour with this thing. I then have to get up and make a trip to Target for a few items, and since I adore Target, maybe it won't seem to be such a chore!!

During my morning of 'ugh', Henry has been incredibly sweet. He even sent me the following...

"Dearest heart, my only regret is that I am not next to you at this very moment, holding you and sharing your pain. (I promise you my kiss would soothe you more than mom's heating pad and a double dose of Advil liqui-gels!) Henry"

Now tell me, who wouldn't melt with that? He also sent me this...

"As for me, to love you alone, to make you happy, to do nothing which would contradict your wishes, this is my destiny and the meaning of my life. -Napoleon Bonaparte Feel better my love. Henry"

Even though I feel like I've been hit by a firetruck, he makes me smile from the inside out. And when I was feeling a little bit down this morning, after talking to Henry, I felt better. He always makes me feel better. Just knowing I've got someone by my side. Holding my hand. Keeping me safe.

This is life, and again, it's not going to stop for a moment! And as long as I've got those I love beside me, I wouldn't dare ask it to.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dr. Cindy?

I think I live in a never ending infirmary and I'm the doctor, nurse, psychologist, opthamologist, veterinarian, and general booboo fixer.

Tonight alone, I've bathed my Mom. Changed, cleaned, and packed the incision on Mom's belly. Administered all of her medications at the times they were supposed to be given. And rubbed her dry skin with lotion.

For my Daddy, he has new eye drops that he can't seem to put in on his own. So... drop away I did.

And for 2 of the 3 dogs, we're pretty sure they are trying to get ear infections. There has been a lot head shaking and ear scratching from these puppies. So, I locked them in the bathroom with me and proceeded to wash out and clean their ears with some peroxide. Then put some ear drops in to help calm and soothe the shaking and scratching.

I now sit in my room and can only shake my own head. My cell phone just rang and it was my mother, she wanted to say goodnight to me and tell me she loves me. And right before she hung up, she says to me, "Thank you for all of it Cindy, you're a good girl and I love you!" That sentence alone makes all I do for my family worth while. Yes, it's stressful. Yes, sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed. Yes, a lot of times I'm tired and exhausted. But this is what my parents need right now, and I love them. I'm glad that I'm able to do this for them.

Minus One...

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ~Winnie the Pooh

Ramblings of the morning...

Do you know what I find to be extremely frustrating? The fact that I have a ton of ideas and information floating about in my head, yet I cannot get any of it out and on paper that makes any sense.

I want to be profound and thought provoking. I want to seem witty and completely charming. But here I sit. In front of this computer... blank.

I had a delightful Girls Night with friends. We cooked and laughed and shared a bit of gossip. We all talked of our futures. They listened to me swoon over Henry and how much in love I am with him. We talked of children (theirs and the ones most of them teach) and pets. It was a nice get a way evening for just girls and I really needed that.

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr day and a lot of 'normal' people are off work for that. Sometimes I wonder if people even realize WHY they are off work. I think it should be mandatory for everyone to read a bit of his speeches. Actually take in the words this man said. He had a lot of vision for this country and for the people in it. I'm sure there are a lot of things he would be proud of today, but in the same token, there are other things he would be ashamed to see. To me, what it boils down to is this..... Be kind to each other because you really do not know what the other person has had to endure to be in this place at this time. And always always always share your smile, it's free and probably the best gift you can give anyone.

I have several things I'm looking forward to. Starting with this week, I get to meet Henry's parents. He tells me they are going to adore me, but that doesn't make me any less nervous. It's a healthy nervous. I just want his parents to know how much I care and love him. And that I would do anything in my power to keep him happy. What I really would like to say to them is, thank you. Thank you for raising such an incredible man.

I got to meet Quint, Henry's 13 year old son, last week for lunch. It went well and he is such a sweet young man. I cannot wait to do more things with him and learn more about him.

You know, with my mother being so sick the past couple of months I've not had time to really do any thinking about things for me. But I'll tell you this. For some reason, and it must have been the girls night that did it, I really miss my best friend Virna today. I miss her everyday, but today seems stronger. I guess between being stressed about Mom and my Dad for that matter, and falling in love with Henry, I've not been able to share with her a lot of my feeling about all of this because she is still in Florida. It's not the same via text messages. We rarely speak on the phone because her schedule is so different, and for a while I was mostly up at night. And she is soooo not a night person. So we rely on texting and emailing a lot. I learned from facebook today that she doesn't feel well, but is still at work, so I'll try to get in touch with her sometime this week. *sigh*

Well, I'm going to go prepare something for lunch for my mother and hope she eats it. We'll see. Her wound care nurse should be out this afternoon, and finally after being home over a week, we've got physical therapy and occupational therapy coming out this week. YAY!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Connections

I believe we walk around this planet and find our way to those that connect to us. It starts with our connection as children. We find friends that we bond with, and some of those bonds last a lifetime.

I have been lucky enough to have a couple of those bonds. I have some friends that I have recently reconnected with that I have known since grade school. And just because we haven't been in each others lives in years, once we started talking, it was like we had never been apart.

I have also had the good fortune to have returned to the lives of several friends from high school. It's amazing that some bonds never get broken, no matter what has happened in our lives, what paths we have all chosen, we are still part of each others inner circle. We still care and we will always be there. And our connection with each of us will never be broken.

As adults I have found it more difficult to connect with people at times. I know the instant I meet someone if I will have a connection with them or not. Once and a while, it surprises me who I bond with or who I connect with, but that is what makes life so interesting. And it certainly makes life a lot of fun!!

I had a long discussion with a friend I have only had in my life for about 3 years the other night and we were talking about this very subject. We understand that some connections are going to be stronger than others, some bonds will never be broken. The moment we met, we knew we would be lifelong friends. We would always be able to count on one another. There was an immediate connection, and we both knew it.

I have a bond with my best friend. There are no judgements, there is just understanding and compassion. There is laughter and fits of pure joy. This, I am blessed to have, this connection is rare and I cherish it and I thank God for it every day!

Then there are connections that really make you stop and think. Connections with people you thought you would never have. When someone can connect with you on such a level that even you don't understand. When someone can understand you, can understand what is going through your head and your heart... that is the connection we all look for. Most never find it. but if you are lucky enough to locate it, embrace it. No matter what obstacles lay before you, you have to acknowledge it and you h ave to let it in. You have to accept that God has placed someone in your life for a reason. It may not make any sense, and it may confuse the living hell out of you, but that is okay. Having someone completely turn your life upside down can be a wonderful thing. It's a connection, a bond, and it will be a bond that will never be broken.

I will always be on the look out for new connections, but I will always hold close to my heart those that have already been made. I pray that they will remain strong and I give thanks for them every night as I rest my head.

The Score of my Heart

Have you ever been so touched by something someone has done for you it makes your heart swell so much you think it may burst through your chest cavity? This has happened to me recently. Several times, actually, but one in particular kind act has completely melted my heart.

During a very early on conversation with Henry, whilst I was drinking my nightly Mint Medley tea on a break from my mothers hospital room, our conversation went to music. I was explaining to him how much I enjoyed movie scores. He asked about my favorite score, to which I replied Thomas Newman's Fried Green Tomatoes. I explained how I had once owned it, but had lost the CD years ago. I told him about how I still have the CD case, but no CD. This particular score has been out of print for several years and has been quite difficult to chase down. Even though this part of our conversation was brief, Henry stored this information. We continued our chatter for a bit, but with it becoming late we said our good-byes and I promised to get online via web cam to say good night before turning in.

When I got settled I turned the web cam on and had yahoo chat up to say good night. As Henry watched me he typed to me that after we had hung up and I was back on my way to my mother's room, he had found and purchased (online) the score to Fried Green Tomatoes. I was shocked. And impressed. He brought tears to my eyes in that one gesture of listening and remembering something that I loved. He knew that it would make me happy to have a copy of this CD. He made me smile. I wanted to crawl through the web cam to hug him so badly. I went to bed with that smile planted firmly on my face and the warmest feeling in my heart.

Tonight Henry gave me that CD. There was no pomp and circumstance, he merely handed me the CD. I don't think he realized how full my heart was at that moment. I'm not even sure he understands how much it means to me that he took the time and the money to get me that CD. I'm admittedly not the best at showing gratitude in the moment, as it's foreign to have people do such incredibly sweet things to or for me. I'm not always sure how to react or behave. I took the CD and placed it in my purse. But I will have you know, I felt loved. I felt cared about. And I really felt like jumping up and down and yelling, "YEAAAA!!!!!" because I was so happy.

I will fall asleep shortly with this score in my ear, a smile on my face, comfort in my soul, and love in my heart.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

2011

Not having 'blogged' since 2008, I feel like I should explain. However, I have no explanation. I have no excuse. Life has happened. A lot of life to be exact.

I've had happy things and sad things occur.
I've have boring things and funny things.
I've experienced extreme lows and joyous highs.

Since it is officially after midnight, it is now Jan 16, 2011. So far this year, I got to bring my mother home from the hospital after 49 grueling and sometimes heart wrenching days.

I've also fallen in love. After tripping and sometimes just dancing around the edges of it, I'm head over heels smitten.

This is going to be a good year. I'm going to have a good life. And.... I'm going to blog all about it!