Friday, January 28, 2011

moisture from the eyes

On the see-saw of emotions with STRESS being on one side and BALANCE being on the other, I've experienced every single feeling there is today.
Where in my life's journey did I learn how to bottle things up that are emotionally hard or difficult? Is it a defense mechanism? Did I learn to do this as a coping device from a small child? Where ever I learned, I did so quite well. If I was being graded, I'm sure I'd rack up an A+.... with bonus points.
In my life lately there are a lot of things to be worried about. There are a lot of things I am responsible for. And there are a lot of things that I didn't ask for. But who am I to think badly of these things? I know in this world there are a lot of people who have it so much worse than I do. So, how is it okay for me to complain about anything? I have a running conversation going on with God and from time to time, my Nana. Some might call this praying, but mostly I just call it rambling in my head. Thoughts really.
There are people all around me that care about me. I get that. There are people in my life that are worried about me. I get that too.
ok... I've sat and stared at this page for a long time and this is what's going on in my brain......
Does it make me a weak person to break down and cry for 30 minutes? Will people see me as 'the girl that can't handle stress' if I cry? What if I actually voice that I hate whats going on and I hate having to be the strong one? What kind of person does that make me? Am I a bad daughter? Does it make me a complete and utter nut job to tell you that as I type this I have tears streaming down my face? Should I worry that I won't stop? I want to be as strong as possible for my family. Specifically for my Mom and Dad. If they see me like this, I am certain I won't be seen as strong to them. It's really a strange belief I have rooting around in my head. I know it doesn't make complete sense. I don't want to have to ask for help. I have the world really, so why should I even THINK that it's okay to ask for anything? There are a million other people with worries greater than mine. I know that eventually this will pass. And I know that I will make it through this a stronger person. I want my mother well. I want my dad to jovial again.
I want to be the one people want to make sure they sit next to at dinner because I'm the funny one. I don't feel that funny lately and I hate that. I feel that the really cool part of me is being smothered and can't find it's way up for air.
You know what I wish? I wish I had a switch... well several switches actually. One to turn off and on for sleeping purposes. And one to turn off and on for stress release. Kind of like a valve... when you flipped the switch you'd hear a like an air pressure release. Now THAT would be cool.

Ok, I believe the moisture leaving my eyes has subsided and I'm going to make it. I'm not any less cool and I don't think anyone thinks any less of me or finds me weaker. Well, at least Mimi (this sweet cocker spaniel) doesn't think so. She's just excited to lick the salty tears from my cheeks.

And Henry, I know you are reading this, I did hear what you said to me today and tonight. You are amazing and I love you very much. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel to have you in my life. And I promise... there are SUCH fun times to be had with the two of us. And a TON of laughter. I want to say thank you to you for letting me release a few tears today, it actually did make me feel much better.

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." John Vance Cheney

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