Sunday, January 23, 2011

focus lost

I've been here before. I have a trillion and twenty thoughts racing through my head and cannot get them in any order and cannot seem to focus on just one. I feel lost and confused for some reason. I've not posted in a couple of days because I can't seem to find my inner voice.... Even though I have a running dialog happening from moment to moment. Maybe it's because we had to re-admit my mother to the hospital on Thursday with blood clots. Maybe it's because I've got one of the worst sinus headaches I've had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I just want to be held. Or it could be because I'm so turned around by such a mix of emotions. I'm experiencing highs and lows at the same time. Today I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

I've never been more stressed than I am about my mother. And I worry about my dad on a daily basis. It just seems like one thing on top of another keeps happening and Mom's not getting ahead like she should be. With everything going on with her it just seems like a constant uphill battle. I see the stress it causes my father. You can look at him and know how much he loves my mother and for everytime she is in pain or is sick, it hurts him too. I don't like to see that. Granted, mom has made some positive steps forward. Her incision is finally healing nicely and we are down to every other day dressing changes. So that's good! But these clots have definatley set her two steps back. It's all very frustrating at times. All I can do is remain positive for everyone and have faith that things are happening as they should.

On a more positive note... I couldn't be any happier with my personal life. I truly have found the person I am meant to share my life with. Henry is a good man and he loves me. We are going to have such a wonderful time growing old together. We respect one another and care so deeply for the other. I miss him terribly when we are apart. I know things aren't as we'd like for them to be, especially starting a new relationship, but it is what it is. We are handling it the best way we know how. In the long run, I really believe this will make us stronger. I look forward to the moments I get with him right now. Holding his hand. Being kissed. And just looking into each others eyes and talking.

I do worry about him. Probably more than I let on. I tend to let all of that, kind of stay inside of me and try to always put on a positive front. But I want him to get his blood pressure under control. I'm happy he finally has an appointment this week to get that looked at. As annoying as it might be for him, I intend on making sure he does what he needs to insure that he keeps a close eye on that and does what the doctore instructs. ;)

See? Rambling of thoughts... now put to blog.

Quick thoughts..... I'm stressed, I'm happy, I'm constantly worried. I'm tired, my head hurts, I want to be kissed goodnight, and I want to sleep more than 5 hours in a row. And most importantly, I'm in love. This is my life. And you know what? It's actually quite fantastic.

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